February 2012
7 posts
i wish i didnt collect everything.
especially kind words. i’ve spent the past two hours listening to all of the songs i’ve shared with people, reading through old messages, old saved documents, notes, etc. and when my heart gets this heavy, i cant help but feel like i’ve lived so much, and loved so much. and it get really, really hard to not notice that every time, i’ve been left alone. stripped of...
"& all i wanted was a simple kind of life"
we always come back together, and you always take me back, but only half way. this time i felt something was different, and it was my own guilt that made me stray from you. i know better now than to return to my old ways, old doubts, old thoughts, but just because i know better; doesnt necessarily mean i do better. its as if fate finds a way to crash land you into my peripheral at the most hectic...
THERE HAS GOT TO BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS. right?
the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've...
you should never have to bury your baby.
i hold my breath and sink into a sea of pillows. my windows cracked and the air smells like a salty spring; between the warm breeze and the tears in my eyes. i swallow the knot in my throat, and tell myself “someday,” as i’ve grown so accustomed to. i run my fingers over the design on my duvet, turning my face into the pillow letting out one hard, and what seems like endless...
i am my only companion.
buying anxiety medication from strangers to maintain some robotic positivity. to suppress my anger. to suppress my heartbreak at the hands of the family that hasnt been a family to me in two years - except for these occasional glimmers i have come to call our “wizard of oz days.” to all the things i never said, that you never asked me to say, simply because you know you couldnt grasp...
i wouldnt take it back. any of it. i believe firmly in everything taking place for one reason or another. i never believed in much until i met you, but there never seemed to be a moment of silence with us, and i believed in that - if nothing else. i believed in your ability to accept my views, and vice versa; how people should. you accepted me into your life, heart, family, regardless of our...
January 2012
11 posts
like the pot calling the kettle black.
i wake up in an empty bed, before i can be disappointed you stick your head into the open doorway, pulling a hoodie on you smile and tell me to do the same. “come out when you’re up beautiful.” i pull on a sweater and wander clumsily through our bare single room apartment. youre sitting on the patio smoking a cigarette, listening to gods bathroom floor, i realize you’ve got...
sometimes.
that unfeeling moment that coincidentally makes you feel the most. it holds such intense momentum its as if youre watching an accident happen. you know whats taking place, because you can feel it. worst of all, you can see it. all of your senses are heightened, simultaneously, and there it is. right there. tonight it was the empty house, one thirty in the morning laying behind you while you sit...
& does he drive you wild? or just mildly free?
we spend all of this time dreaming of love, longing for it, resenting time spent alone, chasing it, fighting for it tooth and nail - and once we capture it, we either tame it and settle, or it tames us, and we spend more time running away from it. i crave my partner in being perpetually untamed. i have this deep need for explanations. to me, having reasons behind your actions not only justifies...
“I don’t like the way that I’ve been, so unfeeling and full of sin....”
– hsh. i am so in love with your words mr. marc bianchi. merci.
je suis mon protecteur.
lose faith. lose hope. stop loving. lose sensation. lose control. lose touch with reality. lose your mind. sell your soul, probably for more than its worth.
today i woke up with two years of bags under my eyes. like the rings on your nightstand, from that forgotten cocktail you passed out on before you got to finish, leaving behind only those little warped rings on the table to remind you of...
makes you feel ashamed for the hearts you stole.
my eyes focus in and out, always on silly inanimate objects in the room. a stuffed lion, a remote, a ceramic owl. i think that maybe if i look at them long enough, i’ll pass some of my emotions onto them. but then i just lose focus again. anxiety and delirium bring this loss of equilibrium, and i think of how i never believed in balance until you took a seat on my chest, and stayed a while....
“please back away and let me go.”
“i cant my darling, i love you so.”
– completely untouchable perfection.
tick, tock.
like counting backwards from infinity, you know where you want to go but its intimidating to begin and hard to fathom seeing it through alive. having something in sight is better than being hopeless though. i wake up, make a cup of coffee - black, three sugars. head off to work. clock in, clock out. cook myself dinner, listen to music, read a bit, fall asleep, repeat. sometimes in the midst of my...
it seems i cant outsmart all of my ghosts.
i’m preparing to get off work. i see you’re waiting for me at a table in the foyer outside smoking a cigarette. i turn away after waving to you to finish locking the door, and when i turn back around i expected you to be standing behind me so we could make our way to the car; but to my surprise you’re still sitting, taking a drag from the same cigarette, very slowly with this...
radiation.
i never really thought about the phrase “soul searching” in depth until today. i always thought the intention of soul searching, was to discover parts of yourself; to decipher what ultimately matters in a chaotic world. in my head; (either out of naivete or my habit to romanticized grueling tasks) - i thought the phrase in the simplest terms meant searching for soulfulness. then, today...
even here, even now.
my grace is especially lacking today. my inspiration for characters, and tales of hearts seems to not exist anymore. and here i am, longing for a past that had left me without a future. its really funny how that can work. plenty of hands were in view when i was drowning then, but none reaching towards me, instead they all steadily waved in a nonchalant manner as if to suggest the gesture itself...
December 2011
1 post
j.
ive been known to sleep with ghosts. occasionally though, when a suitor catches my eye, or captures an untapped nerve in my heart, i begin to breathe my life into them. i do it little by little of course - handing off my limbs one by one, chunks of flesh bit by bit until the tables are turned, and i’m the ghost. i always know when its happened, even if it does take place subconsciously. i...
November 2011
5 posts
naked as we came.
i’m big on instinct. i mean its only natural, and we’re all just animals at the end of the day, arent we? i knew it from the first moment i was face to face with you under the empty night sky that it’d lead me somewhere better than where i had been left. and it has. sometimes i sit and think about how this isnt reality, it simply cant be. it transcends common concepts of space,...
he is a perfect mirror,
since there is nobody there.
we’re constantly rerouting between what is and what was. once is always twice more, and when i push, this time you push back. i fall. i wouldnt kill for any new perspective- besides yours. but isnt that what “they” always say? we want what it is we cant have ourselves? so i’m dressed for a funeral, when you tell me there’s a wedding. i...
honey and milk.
i was trumped by my past today. i cover my eyes, and i still see you. i sit in the candle light, rubbing the back of my neck and cracking my ankles waiting on the words that have not previously escaped me to arrive in a flourish, to explain it all. tears hit my knees, and wiping them away as if their soot i sit back and wonder why i said the things i did. i wonder as to why i even spoke at...
run with the hunted.
youre playing marvin gay in the car, explaining that his lyrics are of desperation. that term strikes a cord with me. desperate. desolate. destiny. deserving. designated. i cant think of anything past those, so i stare out of the window thinking that the faint murmur of your voice in the background of my thoughts matches nicely alongside the blur of a world passing by us as we move. its one of...
you have to die a few times before you can really...
its hard for me to accept things as being wonderful; regardless of how wonderful they may in fact be. i always feel as if there’s a catch, some risk involved. maybe there’s a car around the corner waiting to knock my feet out from under me while i stroll blissfully in the light of my happiness, maybe its as simple as a shitty morning or bad hair day, none the less, i dont usually take...
October 2011
3 posts
there is no such thing as a short journey.
lately i have this craving to just take off with someone. to throw it in park in the midst of an empty field, turn on some music, and twist and turn under the vast, indigo, texas sky. i want to twist my hips, and twirl around beneath my arms with my barefeet - the five-year-old-like psuedo-ballet moves i am known for doing. i want to laugh and feel free, let the wind take my hair from my shoulders...
1 tag
oasis.
i spend the night alone pulling swigs from a liter of whiskey. i drink until the music is all i hear, and the rest of the world stands still in silence. until all i feel is my own body, and all of my thoughts are my own. i’m naked in the humidity, smiling from ear to ear when the song ‘dont look back in anger’ says “the brains i had, went to my head” in that moment, i...
i look at you like no one else ever could.
ive wrote about my love for strangers before; but its been a while since i held that kind of interest or belief in humanity’s capability of being charmingly quirky and genuine. its easy to become jaded and morose when the rest of the world has faded and many of the people you’ve loved the most have turned a blind eye. after-all, lets be realistic here, we all wake up bitter some days....
September 2011
1 post
my ever expanding roots.
theyre under my feet, and somehow i still lose sight of them. free writes, i used to do that a lot. put on music, and just write until i couldnt possibly have another word to say. now i’ll put ‘the animals are gone’ on loop, stare blankly into my computer screen, and end up taking swigs of whiskey until i groggily put myself to bed. i cant tell whether or not things got...
August 2011
13 posts
My head is weak, my heart always speaks, before I...
when people ask me what i write, its always easiest to say “a stream of consciousness” or about “disillusionment,” versus telling them that its all the things i wish i had the nerve to say in any other forum. its what i was thinking when you caught me with a single brow raised, or eyes aimless, peeling the label from my beer. the biggest thing i struggle with is...
''i was superimposed, somehow, in this life.''
what thieves we all are, stealing our days from the past to hold onto the future. its a cycle, we replace old with new, just to stare longingly at the new, until it too becomes old. replace, recycle, dispose. although, those of us with the deep longing to explore, or in laymen’s terms - wanderlust often operate with a “wash your hands and carry on” sort of approach to the people...
a comma, not a period.
i’m ecstatic to see you again. you walk up behind me and take a seat across from me smoking a cigarette. im blushing the whole way to your house, enjoying the deep blue texas skies, and even more that i’m getting to share it with you. we spend the afternoon in a dim room in your bed, laying side by side with me picking your brain. you bring new meaning to the expression “open...
suspended in this place.
its our first time around each other one on one. we sit awkwardly in my bed, slowly inching towards one another. soon enough we’re joking, watching one of my favorite films; the little rascals. occasionally i catch a glimpse of you looking at me from the corner of my eye. you look so content, and i start to think about the last time i looked at someone that way. i go so far back in my mind...
“you cant mend every wounded bird.”
mr. rogers.
i just got off the phone with bobby. we’ve known each other two plus years now. i rant to him about what happening, what im feeling. as usual, he calmly encourages me to be happy. to say “fuck them.” his gentle voice, and genuine belief in the words hes speaking put me at ease. i tell him how you drunkenly put your hands on me, and his instant defense and change of tone make me...
1 tag
happy, now.
i leave through the front door for once, leaving ten dollars for gas with one of your friends. he pulls up at the apartment entrance, and i struggle to climb in this new giant truck. we drive for forty five minutes, catching up. im smiling so much my cheeks throb. eventually we go to look for a hotel, since you’re in town until sunday. two hotels are full. we find a hilton in dallas, you...
shy.
you’re sitting across the room making conversation with a friend of mine and i, and the eye contact keeps creatively providing us both with awkward moments as we occasionally catch one another staring - you smile crookedly and look away while lower my head, blush, shake my head, and bite my lip. when you arrived i could tell you were timid, and instantly your height catches me off...
recorded conversation 1.
its only when i stopped dwelling on what i wasnt; that i started appreciating what i was, like i said to myself: “okay - im never going to be an artist like shag, i’m never going to be fucking mark ryden, i’m not going to be……as much as i would love to be…and i would love to sketch and draw - thats not who i am, so i have to find out from all those influences;...
“i let go when you stepped free, i didn’t want to lose you. you said, “you didn’t choose to — it’s just how your karma came” but thanks for the vision, & the twenty-twenty wisdom, it hit me like a south-bound train.”
ellis paul - the world aint slowin down.
sometimes, the songs my father plays for me seem to fit perfectly <3
you were...
1 tag
id like to meet someone
to love me most because i’m a complete whack job, full of flaws and quirks. to lay around in bed all day, napping, joking, talking. to be in the company of another pair of bare feet. to be beautiful with my dirty hair, chipped nails, and crooked teeth. to hold my hand for no reason. to be deeply passionate about art, and shamelessly nerdy. to be each others future, and nothing else. to have...
bloom.
i sit motionless, a cup of coffee resting between both of my hands at my waist. for the first time in a while, i consider myself first. i think about my health. where my heart is, as well as my head. it happens then - the desire that has been missing from me for entirely too long, returns. passion flows through my body, awakening my senses and sending my mind into space. the most unbelievably...
a little war.
you greet me at the door, arms open. we’re both sticky from the heat, immediately you tell me when bus call is for the night, and instantly im reminded of the reality of things. temporary is something i’m all too familiar with. the people that mean the most to me seem to be perpetually fleeting, and i cant say its ever been much of a problem to me until recently. maybe watching...
July 2011
12 posts
'everything starts where it ends.'
maggie, my little companion. sitting by my feet napping. we’ve both been under the weather today. her ears are warm, and when im trying to find warmth in my bed, she nudges her head farther into the crease in my arm. intuition is such a mysterious trait to me, but what we choose do with our intuition is a topic im even more curious about. sure, i may know the basics of what is...
scar tissue.
you see my mistakes when youre laying next to me. think of suffering. yours. i’m pushing my fingers into the corners of my eyes, where my tear ducts meet the bridge of my nose. to be seen as i am. to be taken for what i am. perhaps; to be taken even for all of those pesky things, that i am not. to be seen; a request that extends so far beyond my grasp. so i have been lead to assume. i have...
youre laying in bed with the pride of a lion.
i’ve lost it. and i’m immensely excited. i havent felt this passionate in ages. but after tasting your words, reading page after page, watching my chest rise and fall faster, my fingers beginning to shake, my head throbbing, my heart sinking every sentence, passion is what i feel. passionately compassionate, and simultaneously the black widow i had once been called. im in awe of the...
current positive things.
maggies snore. william fitzsimmons. making myself dinner every day. summer dresses. blonde hair. napping with torey. writing it out. taking initiative. moving on. having hope. learning every step. challenging myself. my blanket. eli the lion. sleep.
i am so lonely,
and i’m not particularly upset - but every little trivial melody, pinpointing line of words, photograph, is turning my eyes into miniature faucets. i have people in my life, sure. and as always, i have myself. but the lack of common ground is making both of my legs go lame. i want my father’s embrace, with me on my tip toes, still crying into his stomach, easing up when he says...
but i will hold on, with my open hands.
its funny. you start to get a grasp on yourself. your heart. your feelings. the past. the present. and then, you take your stability, and spin on your toes, twisting and turning. throwing your hands up. you give that stability whiplash. it was the smell of your skin. being barefoot in my old room. hearing “i love you,” at the most heart-obliterating, spontaneous moment in my life to...
1 tag
here i am. after all this time.
ive been considering a lot of things lately. making my first impact-the-rest-of-my-life decision has done this to me i suppose. tonight, i’m sitting on my kitchen island, laptop resting between my knees. i just finished a bowl of cereal, washed my bowl and spoon, and placed them carefully into the washer. it was sitting on the island later, reading that the thinking truly set in. maybe this...