less human, more being.
“This one has made the top five. Driving around. Dancing. Drinking. Smoking nines. Deep converaton and silly. Playing in sprinklers. I don’t know what my life would be without Alexxa Rae. She’s changed my view of the world, I like the view from here better.”
it seems like everyone else in my life could notice me, why is it only you, that cant?
only has its advantages in the future i hold without you. i’m trying my hardest, and despite your belief, it IS too late to leave, because i’d be a goddamned moron to leave you, early or late, there is NO good time to leave you. there is NO leaving you at all. i know you’re nostalgic, but take…
its weird, remembering this even happened. the longest relationship i ever had to date, and we couldnt be more of strangers. i miss you, p. hope you’re doin’ well.
“what I want from us is empty our minds, we’ll we fake a fuss & fracture the times. we go blind when we’ve needed to see & this leans on me just like a rootless tree. so fuck you, & all we’ve been through. i said leave it, it’s nothing to you & if you hate me, then hate me so good that you can let me out of this hell when you’re around.” — passionate, angry, miserable, true. thank you damien rice.
i think of the cost of it all. the person i used to be. as much as i want to blame you, i know it’s all on my shoulders. i took on your pain to forget my own, and still i’m the first one you leave face down in dirt. nobody’s deserves to feel this way. to be so honestly in love with another living thing, that can hurt them so mercilessly. i just cant comprehend the people i have always brought into my life - how they can all hold so much good, and so much evil. i finally realize it, i dont just hear everyone’s words, i feel them. i talk to an old friend and when he tells me “all you can do is worry about yourself” i cant explain to anyone else that, that simply isnt in my nature; so instead i reply “maybe you’re right.” and i know in principle he is, if only i possessed the ability to do as such. everyday, i’m nervous i’ll hear those words again. they hang over me heavier than anything i’ve ever known. i’ve changed so much, the person i was would simply run for security in my past, something easy, instead i fight on alone. i grin and bare it. you bleed me dry, and still my spirit drags my lifeless body forward. it’s not enough. i plead for you to tell me what to do. “i dont care.” i’ve heard some of the most terrible, hurtful things in my life, and these three words still have such a wicked effect on me. they consume my entire being, but not as much as you do - of course. every day i never know who i am getting. will you love me? will i be your little jitterbug? or will it be an “i dont know.” “i dont care.” i know its me, im to blame. i know this is my punishment for all of the things i have broken without a single care. i’m this weathered shell of my former self. brave, curious, adventurous, sarcastic. i would give all the money in the world to be that girl again. i’m just ready to know when i will stop being punished. when will i ever receive as much as i give? when will the tables turn? i just wish, for one single minute, you could feel what you make me feel, every single day. i wish you could see what you’re doing to me everyday. i wish it would stop. i dont know.
how do you convince someone theyre going to lose everything, if you mean nothing?
i’m just tired is all.
this was me, seven months ago. -
lately i have this craving to just take off with someone. to throw it in park in the midst of an empty field, turn on some music, and twist and turn under the vast, indigo, texas sky. i want to twist my hips, and twirl around beneath my arms with my barefeet - the five-year-old-like psuedo-ballet…
(via theadventuresofalleerae)
“i remember when you never wore shoes, and pretended you didnt believe in love. you’ve always been so free allee, why stop yourself from being so now? stop hiding yourself behind someone else who can only see themselves. the girl i knew laughed more than she cried, smiled more than she worried, and jumped higher than she fell. you talk about having faith in him, but you cant see he made you lose all the faith you had in yourself? that girl drove me crazy, that girl couldnt be stopped. get your feet dirty again and smile. if it’s meant to be, he’ll be there with open arms. i have faith in you.” — i cried just staring at this. i havent been so heartbroken by the truth or more grateful for it in my life.
i ask if you’d be here to fight for me, to chase me down, to miss me when i’m gone. you reply that you would, not considering the real possibilities. and why would you consider such things? i have never strayed. i was always the one with all the faith, the one bursting at the seams yet somehow rushing to your aid to mend your wounds. then again i am me; and that is how things usually go - seeing all the trivial silly beauty in someone else; often those who couldnt tell you the first thing about me. it’s difficult sometimes, for me to stomach the idea that nobody has ever given me half the love i’ve even given to anyone. i frequently use the term “someday,” throughout my writing. this childlike glimmer of hope that remains through all of my hardships, all of my hurt. the blind faith that somewhere out there, there is someone. one person. that hope has always gotten me through, after all there is more to life than companionship. it’s only lately tracing my finger over my efforts with you, feeling my swollen heart with my bare hands, that i ask you such questions about longevity. about where it is exactly that YOUR heart lay. when i had met you, all that time ago, i couldnt have had a doubt in the universe. you were here, all of you, and so was i. it’s just hard not to walk in circles dizzying myself trying to stop blaming myself. i can feel myself come to ‘that’ point in my heart that i am notorious for coming to. teeth clenched, fists tight, chin high. running, as fast as i possibly can, breaking everything that stands in my way. i can only hope you’ll be the one to stop me. the one to see what you’ve done.
here i am, right now, this is it.
once & for all.
for ever &
ever.
runrunrunrun.
you made my bed, but every night - i lay in it alone. you’re losing me forever, and you don’t even see it. please, wake up before its too late.
it always used to be so crazy to me how forgiving my mother was; even when it came to me. i never understood how she could move forward so easily past my mistakes, past all of ours - my family. she moved past struggles with such grace that i was often times jealous i didnt posses the same ability to not hold any resentment towards the people that had hurt me. i always was the ‘bare your teeth and snarl in the face of those that’re hunting you’ kind of girl. my father’s daughter, from a young age i learned how to immediately pick out every one i came across’ weakness. i learned to never be reckless with it; but to keep it tucked away behind small talk and cordiality, and in the event that i needed to protect myself i would always felt safe in knowing i could. most times, even if i was hurt, i still didnt throw their weakness at them. i had also learned that most times just knowing someones deepest darkest secret was punishment enough for them. i lay in bed after a long night, and turning on my side, the simple cursive on the side of my forearm catches my eye “stay what you are.” i run my fingers over it and roll onto my back. staring into my ceiling, i begin to replay the past six months with you. all of it. i think of our meeting place on the curb the night before Halloween, and how i thought id never see you again. i think of the rooftop where we shared a cigarette, the fountain where i first saw your heart. you climbing trees. drunken nights, clumsy love, slow dancing. i think of the first time we fell apart, the heartache, a sense of loneliness i had never known before. i think of finally not feeling alone in the world, only to lose it. i think of who we became, and what became of us. my chest starts to hurt, and i try to catch my breath, just then i receive a message from you that brings me back to here - back to right now.
“id rather not be fifty feet tall and surrounded by bark, id prefer being closer to the ground, being a dandelion.” this is you, constantly surprising me. just when i think you dont know me, and think my silly endeavors are nothing more to you than that, you refute my words. instead of being anyone else and telling me you want for us both to be oaks, big and strong, powerful and wise, you remind me of why we love each other, remind me why we always fall apart, to fall closer together. we are one in the same. grounded, simple, free. with those words, you tell me youd choose being a tiny weed alongside me, rather than towering over thousands of weeds just like me. we’re imperfect, we’re both out of our minds, and we’re here. through it all, you’ll always be my best friend, the closest another person has ever been to my heart. even on my bad days, you consume me. forgiveness is love, my mother loved us through any heartache with such grace because she loved us. and i love you, simple.
“and, i mean, how could i blame him? he’s a fifty foot oak, and i’m a stupid little dandelion.” — story of my life. good going allee, always sayin’ things and then realizing how painfully true they really are.
we are new people, together.
“but knowing that nobody else will ever be capable of loving him how i did is enough catharsis for me to keep on going, as begrudgingly as the “going” might be for a while - the worst is over.” — proud of myself for this one.
you walk in, up the stairs behind me and we spend the next couple hours conversing on the floor of my bedroom versus my plenty big enough queen sized bed. this is definitely new for me, not being impulsive and putting someone else first. it turns into a game of who can out wit who or make fun of who more. its all in good fun, and eventually when i put you on the spot, you begin complimenting me to my surprise. i sink back into myself in embarrassment and nervousness. i’m unsure what to say, and you call me out on it, naturally. we eventually lay side by side on our stomachs, stretched out with our arms folded under our heads. “like children,” i say. i dont tell you, but i remember everything from when we first talked. we wind up discussing our relationships, how mine stands presently, and how yours ended. our outlooks are so similar i stop to consider you’re simply telling me what i want to hear; and then it makes me sad that the person i love so much is the one who has made me consider such motives. at some point we’re both playing with our keys and the silly colorful keychains attached. there are a set of diary keys with tops in the shape of a heart on mine, and you take one from the set off, and slide it onto yours. i cant help but sit back and think “who knows…”
ive been so sad to be forgotten by you; to be taken for granted for so long, unseen for who ive become lately. but i’m starting day by day to have more faith in myself. i know better than to depend on you, but i’m still hoping in my ‘allee’ way you’ll have some sort of epiphany and take notice, and - if not, someone else has made the effort to see me in all of my dysfunctionally functional glory, and even as just a friend - it means more to me than words can fully express just knowing that i’m still human. i’m not as broken as i feel.
day by day.