and so it is.

everything i wanted to say - and didnt.

you have to die a few times before you can really live.  

its hard for me to accept things as being wonderful; regardless of how wonderful they may in fact be. i always feel as if there’s a catch, some risk involved. maybe there’s a car around the corner waiting to knock my feet out from under me while i stroll blissfully in the light of my happiness, maybe its as simple as a shitty morning or bad hair day, none the less, i dont usually take that chance. i hesitate when presented with the possiblity of true happiness. but here i am, having spent a number of days with you since you arrived back home and i couldnt possibly be more content, more inspired, and more genuinely loathing that everyone in my past, wasnt even slightly - you. i continue to find more in you that i didnt know was there previously. positive thinking is how you happened. i had admired you through the dear ol’ internet for some time, and casually we conversed. eventually, we started corresponding regularly. you had moved away to school, but due to enrolling late, you were unable to start and thus, moved back to the area arriving on halloween eve. its been a lot of wandering: under the stars, empty fields, historic houses, sneaking onto a rooftop and sharing a cigarette. you never seem phased by my inability to be awkward. and i become enamored by your closed off personality. its rare for our generation to not make themselves synonymous with “open.” you appreciate your privacy, and keep your wounds tucked neatly up your sleeve for when the time is right. we’re a lot a like in that way. youre a lot more than you’d ever let on.

sometimes you meet people, and you just know. theres some unspoken heaviness in your heart that you hope and pray they cant sense, and you just know - you love them already. this has only happened to me once before, with my best friend to this day, and my soul mate - kara. and its funny, i guess not much has changed afterall, because here i am two years later still falling in love with strangers. then again, maybe it has. because i have no even remote craving for any thing else, any one else. it has been far too long since i could say that with my whole heart, and not be bullshitting everyone involved. life has a silly way of moving forward, even if you run from it, even if you try your absolute hardest to remain stationary. i was sitting in front of you, a year later, nearly to the exact day of being heartbroken by the person i thought i was going to spend the rest of my days with - knowing instantly that if by some mistake, my past writing, every word dissapeared, i would be completely okay, because there is something far bigger, far more beautiful, far more moving - taking place right there in front of me.

when i kiss you, my senses go completely numb, the only thing i can feel is my heart beating, and i know at that moment, despite common logic, the earth is standing still so i can have that one moment without gravity.

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