since there is nobody there.
we’re constantly rerouting between what is and what was. once is always twice more, and when i push, this time you push back. i fall. i wouldnt kill for any new perspective- besides yours. but isnt that what “they” always say? we want what it is we cant have ourselves? so i’m dressed for a funeral, when you tell me there’s a wedding. i make a toast anyways, thinking of how you told me “technically, we’re all dying anyways.” i see the feelings here, they’re organic from the others. i watch patiently as they dance in, through, and around you; unmatched, and untouched, given back to me in a fluster of excuses and fear. my over analytical mind pins them on something - everything else, and as much as you refute i cant help but protest your claims. i’ve run with the hunted, dined with heaps of thieves, and danced in the arms of a muse but i’m not misguided by my faithfulness to creative spirit - i’m misguided by the ones that are up in arms when mine are open. i cant find any fulfillment in the obstacles or see any love in your eyes. so if your disposition lay in me, and with the words i’ve given that i know may never be received, i hope you know, my lazarus; that i’m trying with no ill will to be patient until you can find a home in me. it’s always been that way after all, that only by sacrificing yourself, can you give life to another. lately i cant help but wonder as to whom will be there to revive me when my legs give out from all the weight. can you promise me that someday you’ll give back to me what i’m giving to you? because it seems my habits came back with the cloud that your distance has brought on me, and when it rains, i can only hope i still have the strength to keep dry. id ask you to take away the parts that hurt, and let the rest remain but how can you pick and choose when you cant feel yourself? “i’m just a simple boy looking for meaning in this ludicrous world,” you told me. i had bit my tongue in the midst of replying “it seems your search is over, because you already mean it all to me.” instead i told you, you weren’t alone and held my breath. i’m still holding, in hopes you’ll provide a breath and a tiny space for my feet next to yours. life has become existence again, and as the holidays near; dreary days become my numbing inspiration to howl at the moon, and consider the idea that maybe i really am meant to sleep with ghosts for the rest of my days. maybe this is how i pay for the things ive broken and thrown away without any empathy. i mean, you break it, you buy it, right? my blind faith remains, the most human condition. to believe that, no matter what becomes of us, there will always be something bright laying in the wake of it all. i only wish this could be as cosmically beautiful as i know it could be, if you’d just see it too. instead i’m inches from letting go, only this time, from the highest ledge. but at least this time i got to see the whole world on my way down, no?
