i never really thought about the phrase “soul searching” in depth until today. i always thought the intention of soul searching, was to discover parts of yourself; to decipher what ultimately matters in a chaotic world. in my head; (either out of naivete or my habit to romanticized grueling tasks) - i thought the phrase in the simplest terms meant searching for soulfulness. then, today i considered - what if one doesnt already posess a soul? perhaps it has gone astray. then what does it mean? could it truly mean the quest to recover one’s lost soul? and i get to thinking, maybe this quest is intended to be the ultimate punishment for losing it to begin with. it’s that train of thought i stop on, for it seems all too real. could this be where i am? am i standing in my own shoes - glaring at myself? maybe i lost it when the only living thing i had that summer watched me leave through the window. or when i said “thanks for the free drugs,” and closed the car door behind me. maybe it was all the “i love you’s” ive said insincerely with no intention of ever meaning them, or forcing myself not to love the first thing i ever did. maybe it happened then.
