and so it is.
everything i wanted to say - and didnt.it seems i cant outsmart all of my ghosts.
i’m preparing to get off work. i see you’re waiting for me at a table in the foyer outside smoking a cigarette. i turn away after waving to you to finish locking the door, and when i turn back around i expected you to be standing behind me so we could make our way to the car; but to my surprise you’re still sitting, taking a drag from the same cigarette, very slowly with this new half smile that instantly makes me smile. “come here.” you demand. i seem to gravitate towards you, stopping where my thighs meet your knees. you pull me down by my waist, onto a knee. i laugh, and we joke about my size when i call you “smooth” and you reply “only because you’re as light as a feather!” you finish your cigarette, and reach for a lighter to light the one between my lips. you pull it out from between them momentarily to give me a single peck in the midst of me smiling, this makes you smile, and we both laugh and smile in that overjoyed completely borderline embarrassing way you do when you haven’t seen someone in a long time. and that explains it. we come home, i throw my things down, and we spend five hours just listening to music, discussing films, debating the up and coming election. you’re stubborn, just like old times. and i’m sarcastic, just like id always been. we’re laying horizontal across my bed, heads dangling at ninety degree angles off the edge of the mattress. i close my eyes and sing “we have some promises to keep.” you start to speak and i immediately feel embarrassed that i had let the melody escape me. “youre that one beautiful bird that never sings because its voice could break anyones heart…there’s so much pain in it.” i shrug and look away trying to stop tears from welling up in my eyes. its all so overwhelming. i turn back, looking down in hopes you wont notice. you say “hey, hey….look at me.” and when i do, you brush my hair behind my ear. “never let them make you love yourself any less.” i nod, and you nod back, we both smile, and my eyes begin to release single streams of tears one by one. “okay?” “okay.” i reply, nodding again and laughing, pushing the tears away with my palms from the corners of my eyes. you were the person i never woke up from dreaming about, because you were real. i lost sight of that, that you’re real, because dreams dont hurt and you dont actually die in dreams. the things that are real, escape me. the things that are safe, remain. its unfortunate that safe doesn’t always mean happy. and then again, maybe the real things always seem real, because they’re always escaping one another.
pardonnez moi mon peu agneau. je suis disparaissant.
