and so it is.

everything i wanted to say - and didnt.

tick, tock. 

like counting backwards from infinity, you know where you want to go but its intimidating to begin and hard to fathom seeing it through alive. having something in sight is better than being hopeless though. i wake up, make a cup of coffee - black, three sugars. head off to work. clock in, clock out. cook myself dinner, listen to music, read a bit, fall asleep, repeat. sometimes in the midst of my monotonous melancholic routine, you would sending me smiles from a distance. the little things have always pleased me more than inconsistent big gestures. stability means more to me than being spoiled. words are my gravitational pull to this earth, spoil me with them. and if nothing else, the little things provide me with sanity. a happily married coworker told me once to “end up with someone that loves you more than you love them.” and yet, a year later here i am clearly in the same strenuous position ive always managed to fall into. with ian, the one i was never enough for and darius, the one who could never notice me for who i was, rather than who i was not. sure, karma can catch up to them, and that idea alone mends some wounds, but how can i let go of hurting, how can i progress when you - who was supposed to be the first different one is standing here toe to toe with me, digging your words into me, avoiding eye contact, and occasionally forgetting i’m even here? i used to be so much stronger than this, and it was this strength that once intimidated you. you knew i didnt take shit, didnt avoid things, and was persistent in looking out for myself. i think that’s part of why i’m here now. you can hear in my voice and see in my eyes that i care too much to ever leave. and i cant help but become aware of how much you use it to your advantage. nothing phases you. i explain that you just simply dont comprehend the extent of my love, but there is a rather vast difference between love that is unconditional - and love that is limitless. i will love you under any condition, but there are limits. like anyone, i have my limits. and when boundaries are crossed, my care begins to fade, and as i stated earlier, its my caring too much that keeps me from leaving. when that begins to erode, what is it that is stopping me? i keep getting this feeling that you wont be satisfied until you drain me completely. so i’ll play the game for now, i’ll be naive and hope for the best with my blind faith that something will change, and the person i met then will return. but under my ribs is an hourglass you’ve turned upside down, and its only fair that the time is running out. 


  1. littlewar posted this