makes you feel ashamed for the hearts you stole.

my eyes focus in and out, always on silly inanimate objects in the room. a stuffed lion, a remote, a ceramic owl. i think that maybe if i look at them long enough, i’ll pass some of my emotions onto them. but then i just lose focus again. anxiety and delirium bring this loss of equilibrium, and i think of how i never believed in balance until you took a seat on my chest, and stayed a while. funny how people never seem to stick around, unless theyre getting something from it, unless you’re of use to them. i reassure, hold hands, talk off bridges, compliment, adore, appreciate, etc. i say “take off your coat, and make yourself at home.” and what i get is my empty bed. a birthday spent with an old friend. Christmas spent alone. waking up at home. dinners for one. what i get is an empty head. they rob me blind, and i’m sitting there saying “oh, no, i dont mind. go right ahead.” i’ve become the same person i was two years ago. laying in bed with maggie, staring blankly into space waiting for you to find a moment to recognize my existence. i am capable of so much more than being devoured. maybe someday, someone will give, and never ask for anything in return, as i do. and i’ll give to them, just like that, just because i want to. what a thought. someday. so now i feel alone with you laying next to me. i feel weak next to you. but i know, i know someday, it’ll be better.