sometimes.

that unfeeling moment that coincidentally makes you feel the most. it holds such intense momentum its as if youre watching an accident happen. you know whats taking place, because you can feel it. worst of all, you can see it. all of your senses are heightened, simultaneously, and there it is. right there. tonight it was the empty house, one thirty in the morning laying behind you while you sit and play guitar. i’m running my fingers over your ribs, pressing my palms into your hip. you stop and look down at me, looking up at you - and as much as i always like to convince myself you dont know me, you sense i’m feeling something. you lay the guitar to the side, sit indian style on the floor level with where my head lay, and look into me, waiting in the way i know you to do for me to explain myself. i shrug. “i need to get out of my own head sometimes.” i tell you, shrugging again. you ask what i mean, and without an answer i sit up and begin to write. sitting with you by my side now, i think of that expression you had while playing. peaceful, careful, and content. it had hit me right then that no other person i’ve connected with in my life has ever possessed such an expression. you have this gentle naivete about you that i did before every world i created fell apart and landed at my feet. its such an overwhelming thing when you discover that the connections between your past and present are - well, nothing. and i can admit with a heavy heart that i didnt truly realize just how much of a different breed you actually are until that moment. my nerves, frustration, hesitance; have all been in my head, all ghosts from my past warning me to not allow the past to materialize itself in the present day. i realize that i have been every version of myself to you - my former included - while you have been only one - you. i crave to hold you close and tell you i love you. you. in the simplest of ways. but realizing my mistake is harder than making it. i love you jaron amasa earle, to extents that make me beside myself with guilt for having such luck, without any gamble.