and so it is.

everything i wanted to say - and didnt.

i wish i didnt collect everything.  

especially kind words. i’ve spent the past two hours listening to all of the songs i’ve shared with people, reading through old messages, old saved documents, notes, etc. and when my heart gets this heavy, i cant help but feel like i’ve lived so much, and loved so much. and it get really, really hard to not notice that every time, i’ve been left alone. stripped of everything. i really need jaron right now, but i cant seem to tell him that. i cant seem to feel like i should have to. i dont know. this nostalgia and lack of inspiration needs to pass. i feel everything, all at once, and everything i’ve been doing is amplifying it, yet nothing substantial escapes from my fingertips. 

“your tiny size & shape’s ironic to your incredibly large soul & heart, and i love it more than the goddamned earth i stand upon. i wish for nothing more than to spend every goddam day for the rest of my sorry, sad life with you, because you’re the only thing worth it. 

I love you, lily.”

i read this tonight and recalled it all, my first real relationship, one year of kicking and screaming, but real honest love built from the ground up - a friendship. i recall the tattoo on my wrist my mother paid for to cover up the “lily” i let you cut into my wrist, it was an ampersand that took its place, to remind me that there is a before and an after to everything. and there was….

i fell in love, did everything i ever wanted to, and everything i hadnt done yet. i lived with him, i had a family surrounding, i was part of his world, and him a part of mine, he asked me to marry him, i said yes. he was my everything when i had nothing left. he gave me something to believe in when everything i had believed in had failed me. and i was young, and i was hurtful, and he walked away but kept me hanging on, dragging along for an entire year. to pass the time i devoured every person i could to prevent the emptiness from setting in, and when i ran into myself, i realize how it made me even more alone.

and then, i gave up. i stopped believing in love entirely. i literally stopped believing that it even existed. i stopped saying it to my folks, stopped thinking about the concept and avoiding it altogether. stopped even considering a future with anyone besides myself. i just, moved - the - fuck - on. i got great at being alone. i became my own best friend, and i was okay. sure, some days, it hurt. but mostly, i just took care of myself and found ways to stay occupied. and voila, this aesthetically and mentally perfect human being falls into my lap. this beautiful creature i had admired for nearly a year without a single spoken word wanders into my silly little world. it was all too coincidental to not have been fate, and i often forget that. it literally couldnt have not been more perfect, how everything fell into place. how you fell into place. and its so hard somedays, because i almost resent you for making me love you, because im so fucking terrified to be faced with the things i have been faced with in the past. because i couldnt imagine something more painful than ever being without you again. and that sounds so bizarre, the resenting him for making me love him, but i guess thats how i know i’m happy, because in my mind, through everything i’ve been raised thinking, and what i’ve had done to me by the people i love - happiness must always come at a certain price.

but the days keep passing and you’re still not charging me.

i love you jaron earle, you are everything different and ridiculous and great in this stupid, ugly world. i will never understand how gravity has kept you beside me this long. 


  1. littlewar posted this