and so it is.

everything i wanted to say - and didnt.

here i am. after all this time. 

ive been considering a lot of things lately. making my first impact-the-rest-of-my-life decision has done this to me i suppose. tonight, i’m sitting on my kitchen island, laptop resting between my knees. i just finished a bowl of cereal, washed my bowl and spoon, and placed them carefully into the washer. it was sitting on the island later, reading that the thinking truly set in. maybe this late-night solitude is what will become of me. matter of fact, i hesitantly see this as being incredibly likely. i enjoy the freedom in my own company. i always agree with myself. i enjoy making myself dinner, as much as i enjoy eating it by candlelight alone. i enjoyed my midnight bowl of special k alongside a collection of bukowskis poems. when i think of my guilty pleasure, the thing i crave if it were just in my reach - i see a single room apartment. i see a kitchen done in pastels with wrought iron fixtures, and all black appliances. i see three side by side bookcases, two filled with books in varying shapes and sizes, the one in the middle overflowing with trinkets collected over the years. ugly-but also charming toys, photographs, gift bags, cameras, magazines, boxes, ceramic animals, etc. i see a patio, with a mint green cruiser the only transportation i need. i see a bed completely overflowing with mismatched pillows, and i see myself, in a linen dress, hair down to my waist, smoking a cigarette with a book in hand. maggie is at my feet, still possessing her puppy-like curiosities. i wake every morning at eight, put the needle to a record, make myself a pot of coffee. with a cup just how i like it, i take maggie for a walk. i leave for work on my bike, with a scarf tying my hair into place. i’ll clock out later, say goodbye to all my coworkers, and head to my regular dinner location. a booth for one please. i’ll order something light, there is a slice of homemade red velvet cake waiting at home for me. i’ll see a movie after. something funny. head home for that slice of cake, and my little pug, and put myself to bed. i’ll never be as happy. i just hope one day i can have this life. i’ve never wanted something more. everything from this point forward will be me chasing after what i truly want, and becoming who i always was, but couldnt be. i’m terrified of the repercussions, i know i’ll lose damn near everyone i have in my life, but i suppose this comes with getting to your introverted roots. i’m tired of going out. spending money. fake friends. loneliness. empty love. drama. judgment. no privacy. alcohol. drugs. i cant begin to explain how great it feels to barely even use my phone anymore. next steps are deleting my facebook, and deleting my phone book. the people that are true, will find their way to me. bring on life. the real one, i’ve always only dreamt of.


  1. littlewar posted this