and so it is.
everything i wanted to say - and didnt.but i will hold on, with my open hands.
its funny. you start to get a grasp on yourself. your heart. your feelings. the past. the present. and then, you take your stability, and spin on your toes, twisting and turning. throwing your hands up. you give that stability whiplash. it was the smell of your skin. being barefoot in my old room. hearing “i love you,” at the most heart-obliterating, spontaneous moment in my life to date. i stopped moving, my heart palpitated. i look you dead in the eyes, half smiling with tears in mine; “dont say that, please. not right now, you’re going to make me…” you stop me, like you always did. i dont know why i made those promises, nothing can ever make sense with you, and i’ve come to realize you crave for it to be as such. youre the one person in my life i never stopped giving my all to, i never even did such a thing for ‘him,’ and so it is, that youre also the one person who can make me feel so - defective. you send my happy world of dirty hair, coffee, work, and words into another dimension where everything about me is black and white, single celled. everything you ask of the world, i offer you, endlessly, to no avail. sometimes i wish i still had it in me to kick and scream like i used to. but i lost my voice some time back, maybe it was one of the days where you woke up and didnt think of me anymore, or when you never worried, or missed me. maybe it was one of those days. even now, knowing it was another mistake in your chapter of my life, i wouldnt change it. i used to wish on all the people that hurt me, a lifetime of loneliness. heartache. but you changed that, despite all of this, this whole past year, i can long for nothing more than happiness for you. we talked that night about how you never knew the depths - and i never had the words to explain - and now i know i never needed any - because, here i am; at 2 am, a year later, in my bed, where youre at home, having the time of your life, and i’m writing this, feeling everything all over again, wiping my eyes raw. you’ll never see me, and i dont think i’ll ever stop trying. reality is not a friend of mine. but, i’m learning.
