and so it is.

everything i wanted to say - and didnt.

youre laying in bed with the pride of a lion. 

i’ve lost it. and i’m immensely excited. i havent felt this passionate in ages. but after tasting your words, reading page after page, watching my chest rise and fall faster, my fingers beginning to shake, my head throbbing, my heart sinking every sentence, passion is what i feel. passionately compassionate, and simultaneously the black widow i had once been called. im in awe of the level of disgust. of mine. of yours. how can something so beautiful be so deeply ugly? how can you be so humble, and loving, and have such a bitter, malicious person inside you as well? ive said in the past that we are all sinners. we are all equal parts good and evil, its what part of you that you let define you - that you allow to consume your entire being - that determines which of these things in particular you are. i’m the first person to say that i love peoples imperfections, but after reading what i have, i dont think i could ever hate myself enough to love you. words are the axis of my earth. they are my gravitational pull. the one thing you cant make me forgive you for, are your choice of words. you cannot change them, and when it comes to me, they will perpetually haunt you. i hold myself to the same standards. i’ve been bruised, cut down, scuffed, run over, and completely mauled by love, but i could never have such hatred and disrespect towards an entire group of human beings. i could never have absolutely no regard for human emotion. and this is coming from the girl with a sharpened tongue, i am afterall, my fathers daughter. i can wear any disguise, seamlessly. but i can see under everyone else’s immediately as if its their aura bleeding into mine. i may know your deepest darkest secrets, but i’ll never use them against you. sure, this may make me a pushover, the inability to strike harder at the people who hit me, even if im completely capable. but i always remember a friend saying “a lion has the teeth to rip its prey’s throat out with next to no effort and yet, they strangle them…what a slow, terrifying death.” i let the world work its magic, and it has never once failed me. i’d like to clarify, that i am not by any stretch a saint. matter of fact, i have committed my fair share of mistakes, and entirely accept them as things that have made me the hell of a great, heavy hearted person i am today. i’m already prepared for you to release all of my secrets, all of the details about me that you seem so keen on sharing with the world about all of these other women, and i can handle it. as much as i dont respect it, i do accept you for who you are, and i will be strong. keep my head up high knowing im doing the right thing for myself. i am sad, even if i crave not to be; i dont know if its more because i genuinely invested myself into you, cared for, and started falling for you, or if its for me being disappointed again, after convincing myself i was going to wait. you can want someone to be a good hearted, respectful person all you want, but you cant force them to be anything. either way, it seems that you always see the right things, at the right times, so i have to stay hopeful that this is infact, the case in this situation as well. i have to be happy i didnt see the depths of what i had thought, once i was farther in, of course that still doesnt make it much easier.

right now, i’m diving head first back into art & hitting the streets wheatpasting again, remembering that you cant heal every wounded bird you meet, working my tail off to earn money for my move to austin that may now be sooner than later, and otherwise, making the best of the shit talking and hurt thats about to take place. i’m a lot stronger than i look. bring it on. i’m taking life by the balls and working my ass off to get where and what i want, this is one more thing to motivate me.

reinvention!

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