and so it is.

everything i wanted to say - and didnt.

a little war. 

you greet me at the door, arms open. we’re both sticky from the heat, immediately you tell me when bus call is for the night, and instantly im reminded of the reality of things. temporary is something i’m all too familiar with. the people that mean the most to me seem to be perpetually fleeting, and i cant say its ever been much of a problem to me until recently. maybe watching everyone go off in different directions constantly has made me crave a sense of stability - so when you tell me i should be there like you always do; for the first time, i know i should be. i consider my surroundings, and consider them again. nothing seems to resonate as substantial. i can find no ties that belong to me. i talk so much about running, but my conscious and heavy heart seem to endlessly trip me up. however, the other day, i woke up and felt no attachment to this place. to my own personal monotony. that morning i smoked two cigarettes instead of one, brushed my hair the wrong way, spiked my coffee, and sat in my underwear listening to music i used to love for hours on end. the most uncreative tasks were the only ones i could come up with to break up my routine and force myself into being mildly uneasy. ever since that day, my coffee is never strong enough, my feet are always antsy, and i swear could forget to breathe if someone wasnt reminding me to, im that deeply in a daze. it may have to do with the fact that the things that used to encourage me; simple things; have disappeared, and it has conveniently set in that i’ll always put more into things, than i get in return - unless, that is - i change it.

we keep our safe, usual distance. dancing side by side, both literally and figuratively. i’m awkwardly gawking at you, trying in my super-not-so-charming way - to figure you out. you’ll occasionally elbow me or nudge me. and if nothing else, i smiled for the first time in a long time. you tell me as i light up my cigarette that everything changed, and i couldnt have agreed with you more. you explain that you never chase, but always have after me, and then, suddenly, standing in the middle of the city, climbing in the car to go home, that familiar feeling of goodbye washed over me, because even if everything had already been said, i still wanted to hear more.

you know, i’ve confessed to my love affair with words on numerous occasions now, but i have to say that there are also a few words that i loathe just as passionately - goodbye being one of them.

it really sucks when you cant differentiate between whether the heaviness of your chest is from love, or anxiety. though, lately they seem to go hand in hand.

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