and so it is.

everything i wanted to say - and didnt.

My head is weak, my heart always speaks, before I know what it will say. 

when people ask me what i write, its always easiest to say “a stream of consciousness” or about “disillusionment,” versus telling them that its all the things i wish i had the nerve to say in any other forum. its what i was thinking when you caught me with a single brow raised, or eyes aimless, peeling the label from my beer. the biggest thing i struggle with is moderation. im all about one thing, one person, one idea, until the colors fade, or it slips away under the current of change. ive come to realize that more criticism comes from being quiet than being loud. when i get drunk and flame out, pointing fingers, calling everyone out; which in typical circumstances, i never would - i’m just a kid. but when i keep my eyes on the ground, and follow behind you, i’m a bitch and i must have something up my sleeve. and that’d be correct, its the person i actually am, to myself. there are pages and pages on here, exposing me for all i am, and am not. and for some reason, nobody ever uses an intelligent observation against me. nobody ever asks you who you are, you could be in a room of ten strangers, and theyd go through every one of those people first, before asking you a question directly. its human. we avoid what we can. i suppose to me, the most beneficial thing about this is that people can never seem to hurt me with what i am, but what i know i am not. which is splendidly ironic, considering i AM plenty of things. its pretty funny, self realization i mean. it can get pretty funny. i’m terrified of commitment, the idea of it alone makes me nauseated, but i constantly commit myself to things. the more of someone else you have, the less of yourself you possess. because they possess more of you too. i dont know if i can even harbor the idea of giving any more of myself away at this point. thank, fucking, god. this time last year i was falling in love with my second serious boyfriend. my second longest relationship, just following my dirty break up from someone of a year who had been serial cheating on me for six months. how is it that all of what has happened in this year, has? its been full of everyone else, and not so full of me. i’ve tried to fight so hard to get myself back through other people, that i’ve gotten knee deep in who this person, or that person wants me to be. i am the queen of dress up, of charades, and elegantly playing pretend. the only scary part, is when i became that way to myself as well.  its only when you have lost everything, that you have everything to gain, right? i couldnt even consider anyone a true loss, not even darius. because if i’ve done anything right, its getting deep into everyones head, and figuring out how wrong i was, when they had convinced me i was so right. my intuition has never failed me, afterall. one day, i’ll go chapter by chapter. person by person. i know it would be so interesting, the progression from one thing to another in all of my relationships, friendships or otherwise. i always said that the truly important things, are the things i dont write about, because i dont want to taint them, even with the words i worship and pay tribute to every chance i get. which, in some way makes my previous posts pretty ominous, huh? i’m really excited to feel everything again, and nothing. i need that. i crave to be a 60 hour a week slave to my shitty jobs, to go back to school. to get away from here, as soon as my legs have the strength to take me there. moving on with my life, this time, and once and for all, for me.

au revoir, to everyone.


  1. littlewar posted this